A few thoughts from a tumor surgeon

Customer service online chat : Are they really human ? A hilarious transcript

August 26, 2010 at 10:59 am 2 comments

One of my good friends, Phil, recently had a spirited conversation with an online chat service agent for Verizon. This is is a true story

He started with simple question – do you have this service available in my area ? But, as you can see from the transcript below, he became quickly much more interested in finding out whether the responder is a computer or not. You be the judge:

Thank you for contacting Verizon. We are routing you to a chat representative. You are now chatting with Halley.

you: Phil

Halley: Hello. Thank you for visiting our Verizon chat service. How can I help you place your order?

Halley: Hi, Phil. How may I assist you online?

you: Hi can I get FiOS on my line

Halley: You will get FiOS if FiOS is activated in your area. Do you get an option to select FIOS after entering your home phone number online?

you: Actually no, so I guess that means that I can’t get it. However I’ve seen it so heavily advertised in New York City that I assumed it was available. I live in Manhattan .Do you know when the roll out is planned for the whole of Manhattan?

Halley: Our network is continually being expanded. If your number does not qualify for Verizon FIOS service, you will be directed to a form to be notified if FiOS becomes available in your area.

you: Are you a machine or a human?…cos you certainly answer questions like a machine

Halley: I am a live person and my name is Halley.

you: Ok…and the question about service in Manhattan?

(long pause)

you: I really am expecting at any minute that this is going to turn out like one of those old Star Treks and you are going to start typing “does not compute, does not compute” and I’m going to hear about a Verizon computer blowing up in New Jersey somewhere…..

Halley: At this time it’s not possible to estimate the future availability of the services online; however, I can provide you a link to fill out for future notification so we can get back to you when FiOS becomes available in your area, would you like me to send you a link for that?

you: So come on, you didn’t just make that up did you? If you are not actually a computer, you are at least a pre-programmed human …which is pretty close to the same thing, don’t you think?

Halley: I certainly understand your concern; however, I don’t have an exact information of future availability. However, I would recommend you to go with the Verizon High Speed Internet (DSL) as of now and you will be able to switch to FiOS once it is available.

Halley: Would that be okay with you?

you: No…come on now…confess you really aren’t human are you?

Halley: Believe me, I am a live person.

you: How can I know this for sure?

you: Do you know any poetry?

Halley: I don’t have access to share that information; however, I can help you with the queries regarding Verizon services.

you: Ok so …as I’m still not convinced that you are really human….and suspect that this may be some evil test by Verizon to see how gullible we customers are…I am wondering the following…Is there a time limit? If you were a real human this would mean that they are paying you for your time and would object if you just kept answering inane and irrelevant questions from one customer….So I will confess to you, I have absolutely given up on the information content of this call, I expect to get nothing of any use whatsoever from this communication…..Now if you were a computer that wouldn’t matter at all to you as there is only a minimal cost in the microseconds taken to process and reply to my message…..

you: So how long will you keep talking with me COMPUTER?!!!!

Halley: I wish I could give you the exact information of future availability, but actually you know I am just an online chat representative and it’s outside my boundaries to check the future availability.

Halley: representative**

Halley: Would you like me to send you a link of future notification form?

you: OK, and the time limit thing? I’m still happy to spend another couple of hours exchanging messages with you. Do your bosses really not mind you taking so much time on just one inquiry? Particularly when I’ve told you that there is really no purpose to it…?

you: Actually that last communication did have a touch of reality…so maybe I am just abusing a poor “online chat representative” doing the best to do her job. However on the other hand I’ve just thought of two things. Is it possible that you ARE a computer but don’t really know it. That somehow your evil bosses have falsely convinced you that you are actually HUMAN? Oh, that would be too Cruel..

Halley: Thank you for understanding my limits and believe me I am a live chat representative.

you: Oh yes and the second thing…I’ve noticed that your name is Halley…that sounds suspiciously like HAL!!!!!? (Creeeeeeeeppeeeee…..)…Is there any relationship?

Halley: Well, there is not relationship.

you: OK…it looks like machine has outlasted man….Perhaps machines are indeed destined to rule…I have better things to do….so computer, woman, cyborg or whatever you may be….I will wish you farewell

(Note: After this thinking the conversation finished, I started working on some other things…when I came back to this a few minutes later the following messages had been added…I really think there is an open question here)

Halley: Do you have any more questions for me? I will be happy to answer all your questions.

Halley: I have not heard from you for a few moments. Would you like to continue this chat session?

Halley: I have not heard from you for several moments. I will assume you have everything you need. If you have any additional questions, please do not hesitate to contact us again. Thank you for using Verizon’s chat service.

Entry filed under: news. Tags: computer, humor, Verizon.